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Chinese Dating Fairy Tale: Be Careful What You Wish For Because It May Come True! by Suhandi
Since I was a child, I have been in love with fairy tales. A particular story that interests me the most was the Cinderella Story. Maybe because I'm a dreamer or just simply delusional, I had wished to become this prince in shining armor who would court a poor Chinese girl out of nowhere and make her a very happy and lucky girl. Romantic isn't it?
Fast forward twenty years to two years ago (I still wouldn't count me as a prince yet though), but so far I own a few businesses where I am the founder and chairman of, and with CEOs running my companies I had all the time in the world and was ready to look for my lucky princess.
I found out about the possibility of online Chinese dating on CLM when I was in a business trip to China and a week later after I went back home to Jakarta, Indonesia, I scanned through more than 8,000 profiles, favorited more than 200 profiles and I upgraded my account to Gold and I was ready to enjoy my adventure in wonderland.
200 profiles of beauty girls were soon down to 100, 50, then down to 20: someone gave me an advice to not find those who are 3, 6 or 9 years different from me (Dog, Ox and Dragon). Well I didn't believe in this kind of thing, but it sure helped me narrow down my list a lot which is less of a headache so I went through with it. Then there were Chinese women who never logged on for a year and those who I can't communicate with at all; those are the ones who were easy for me to cross off the list.
When the list was down to 20 beautiful Chinese ladies, I started to focus more quality time on them. A few caught my attention more than the others: one of them was the CLM girl of the week at the time, she had just recently broke up off a 5 year relationship with a guy -- 5 years younger than me (let's say her name is "A"); another was still a university student on her last semester majoring in English so we communicated very well -- she's 8 years younger than me (let's say her name is "B"). Those two were the contenders and I tried to set up a meeting with both, but ended up adding a few more pretty Chinese girls into the mix to make me surer of the succeeding with at least one.
Too bad "B" decided she couldn't make it because she's too busy for the final exam so there were only 3 appointments: the first meeting was with "A" who insisted to visit me in Guangzhou instead because she's afraid I would get lost (how thoughtful of her), the second one is from Zhongsan, and last one is from Guangzhou as well. So the mission to see them face-to-face was finally happening and I was quite anxious to meet them.
Sometimes your Chinese Cinderella just never stops running away.The first meet with "A" went very smoothly, the chemistry was perfect and she looked even better in person. Actually even before we met, we already chatted a lot via MSN and SKYPE and she seemed to be the Chinese girl of my dream, very positive, cheerful, passionate and easy going. "A" was just the kind of girl I was looking for, and to top the list, she came from a poor family background and that just hit the spot! My childhood Cinerella dream was triggered, and I suddenly found the one I could give a lot of happiness to. She's from a broken family where her parents were divorced (mom left dad when business went under) when she was about ten years old leaving her to take care of her baby brother until now (because his father didn't want to recognize the baby was his). I thought wow, how powerful this girl is, how much hardship she had gone through up until now and it was love at the first sight, she deserves happiness after all she's gone through! 
So we were boyfriend and girlfriend from then on. I was the happiest person on earth when I was with her. I love her passion the most; she was a very responsible woman who was very dedicated to her work and her family. She even told me that if I ever cheated on her, she would make me pee pee like she does... funny girl, I like her spirit.
I tried to make the next meetings as quick and painless as possible, then I told them that I already set my mind on somebody else and ended the communications.
But the communications between "A" and I became more and more intense; everyday we're QQing, MSNing and SKYPing. A few months passed on quickly and in the winter of 2009 we decided to go on vacation to Hainan and Beijing; those were the times I came to know her deeper, but also learned some of the deeper and darker secrets of her family. When we were at Beijing, one day before we were going to visit the Great Wall, "A" got a call from her biological mother. Her mom knew "A" had a new boyfriend and was asking her for money, and also got into a fight with her father in the hometown and had to be rushed into the hospital because she cut herself. I knew this because when "A" was on the telephone her face was so worried sick and I had to make her explain everything. She said she needed to rush back as soon as possible and could not finish the trip with me. I said OK and I accompanied her back to the airport the next day.
When the trip was over, I visited her again in her hometown to ask more detailed information of what had happened. She told me everything about her family; that her family is a big mess. Her biological mother keeps asking for money from her even she's already left the family and re-married to another guy, her father has been jobless for a long time and keeps asking her for money too, while she was also taking care of her 3 younger brothers. I felt sad and sympathized with her but those things are not a big problem for me because I can at least cover the financial aspects of it. It was not the end of it though; the problem was deeper than I ever thought...
I found out that people around her are also in a big mess. Her godfather was also recently divorced, her father is in the verge of divorcing his second wife, constantly fighting with his wife and people around him including A's younger brothers. One of them ran away from home and was found in Shenzhen a while later (he's only 16 years old at the time), some of her good friends are also divorced young couples. I thought how unlucky she was, how poor her luck to be stumbling around in this mess. And I was determined more than ever to help her out.
Throughout her life, she had been hurt by a lot of people and she has a lot of fears, including one that I just found out about recently; the fear of commitment. With a lot of people around her failing in their relationships, she just doesn't believe in marriages, happy endings or happily ever after. There is this big mental scar inside of her that keeps pushing me away the more I try to help her. She's afraid her dad will keep asking us for money when we're together, she has this temper (I suspect because of her traumatic childhood) that she just could lash out at me for simple things. For example if I am repeating a question on the phone (sometimes the connection is just bad and I couldn't hear her clearly), but I bear with her. Somehow I felt I was the only one left fighting for this relationship, the negativity around her is just to strong with her dad's nagging her all the time. Even when he met me, the first questions were how much money do I have, what kind of house do I have, how big is my business, how many employees do I have, etc. But I never told the whole truth because I wanted A to make her own decision according to to who I am, not because of what kinds of things I have. I told them I'm just above average financially, but that's not enough for her father.
Her father doesn't approve our relationship because of that and put a lot of doctrines in her head (she will be useless for me and defenseless if I decided to dump her, it will be hard for her to learn a new language, new culture, new things. Also she will have nothing to do in Jakarta and will become useless so I will disrespect her), and besides why lose the golden egg.  She works very hard there to keep giving money to him every week, that's secure enough right?
I explained her to again and again, why would I dump her if we make each other happy together and if we intend to keep it that way, even I told her no need to learn the Indonesian language, she can teach me Chinese so we could understand each other deeper (we communicated in English btw), and finally I told her if she is planning to get married of course she should focus on taking care of the family and no need to worry about working hard to help provide for living, being a housewife is a full time job! And it's my job to take care of the financial side of the family. I don't know why, but she kept rejecting those ideas for no reason. It's not easy for me to fight a lot of negativity around her from the long distance between us.
Two years I keep the battle to convince her to come to me and get married (or just try a few months first, whatever she prefers) and I will help her family problems, but her mindset is just too negative and has a lot of unreasonable fears, it felt like fighting a losing battle. During the course of more than two years, she already wanted to break up three times; she gave up too easily when we faced a problem. Just like the people around her, when things go bad, just get a divorce. I tried to maintain patience, keep holding on, but it's like trying to help a person falling from a mountain clinging to the cliff with only me trying to help her with all I've got, but she's not giving any effort at all. She had already given up from the beginning. It took time for me to realize that this is never going to work, to realize that in a relationship it takes two persons to bend toward each other to make it happen. It takes compromises and sacrifices, but it was only me that wanted it and that's not enough.
Last month when she wanted out again because she still couldn't make the decision to come here and try, I finally accepted it. It was hard to swallow but I learned the hard truth. My childhood dream of being a knight in shining armor courting Cinderella is shattered. I realized that people who do not succeed in life do not succeed for a reason, and mostly the reason is their own mindset. Failed people attract failed people, sadly. 
I recently read an article that 80% of all lottery winners in the US will go back to broke in less than 10 years (you can search a bunch of articles about that from Google.) That's an interesting fact isn't it? Success is a mindset, not a merit. You could win hundreds of millions in lottery in a day, but when you haven't been the person of the necessary quality to deserve it, it will be gone eventually. Some of the lottery winners even committed suicide; they said before their death that winning the lottery was the worst thing that ever happened to them. Actually winning the lottery is always a good thing, but they just haven't become a big enough person to handle it. It's like you're trying to build a skyscraper with the foundation of a house, it will crumble!
Now that it all happened, I learned from my mistakes. I modified my wish a little bit and I still believe in the Cinderella Story; it doesn't have to be a poor girl to be my Chinese Cinderella, any China girl can be the Cinderella actually, she just has to be some one who deserves it, that's all :)
From all this, I learned the hard way to be careful of what I wish for because it may come true!

From: Original         Author: Suhandi         Time: 1/14/2012 12:18:56 AM

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#2012-01-17 03:11:00 by danruble @danruble
Reply Wow! a very interesting look at a failed relationship.. Because of factors we can do little about.. We can wish and hope for something.. But we can not, no matter how we try fix everything with love, hope or money.. I learned from sad experience as well as you that you can not be the Knight on the white horse, the Prince,The price is too high... the broken are broken for a reason.. deep reasons that we can seldom fathom.. you are lucky it only took you two years of determination, heart and sanity to find out. My best to you.. Take your time and choose wisely.. Good luck, and thank you for the article...
#2012-01-21 18:01:00 by Indonesian79 @Indonesian79
Reply to @danruble

Thanks for the positive comment danruble :)

Now it's all clear to me that the price is too high to be the Knight in the shining armor... Like the kind CLM staff reply to my email when I re-registered CLM that bad thing happen for a good reason, deep inside of me I'm happy this all happened and now both of us can move on and find appropriate partners.

From this I have learned a lot about myself and know exactly what kind of partner I'm looking for. I'm also glad that I could snapped out of it, love can be a painful thing when we loved the wrong person.

Thank you again for your assuring comment, now it's time to restart again, but with much better compass and much better knowledge of the stars ;)
#2013-05-06 03:09:00 by quarterkee @quarterkee
Reply Knowledge of the stars is Key! ;)
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