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Web Dating Tips (Part 1): Have Fun and Avoid the Lurking Dangers by John Abbot

(The following material is not gospel, but is simply based upon some research, some personal experience and some common sense – ChinaLoveMatch.net eMagazine welcomes you, our member and reader, to provide your own insights and experiences on this subject by a submission to us at emagazine@chinalovematch.net.)

Dating Fun

Meeting people on the internet should be enjoyable and fun.  You should be able to meet lots of people, spend a little time getting to know each one, narrow them down to the few or the one you think you would like to at least be friends with, and then get to know him, her or them better.  Finally you should be at a comfortable point where it is time to move on to personal contact. 

The ones you wish to eliminate early should recognize that it is not personal, it is not animosity, it is not rudeness, it is simply a matter of having too many options to follow up on every person in detail, and therefore having to exercise your discretion based on limited information together with gut instinct and/or intuition.  You can’t spend too much time on every person you encounter so you have to devote that time to those who spark some real interest in you.  The people you must quickly reject, assuming you do so in a polite and fair manner, should recognize that it just wasn’t their moment in time for meeting you.

And if you want to keep it enjoyable and fun, when you are the one being rejected you must recognize the same thing – it wasn’t your moment in time for meeting them.  In the simplest terms, keep an open mind and remember that on the internet the options are so endless that the next great potential friend or partner is just around the cyber corner.

But there are other things to keep always in mind in order to enjoy your web dating experience instead of allowing it to become a disaster.

Dating Safety

As we have said, web dating can be and probably 95% of the time is a lot of fun.  This section is not designed to scare you away from web dating or any other use of the internet.  Rather it is intended to help you ensure that you never have to fall into that 5% of people who do not end up having a good experience dating on the internet.
 
There are three general categories of individuals you can encounter on the web who represent decreasing degrees of danger or threat to your web safety, and to some extent to your psychological and even physical well being.  These people are the basic scum of the earth and require your ongoing vigilance.  We have divided them into three categories based not on the type of activity they engage in, which is similarly fraudulent activity based upon lies and deceit, but is rather divided according to the degree of harm they are prepared to or intending to inflict upon you. They are, from the most harmful to least harmful, the following:

1.  Predators

Let’s get this straight; there is scant evidence that any of the serious predator crimes discussed under this heading have ever taken place in connection with a web dating site. But there is legitimate concern that it may happen someday. It is of course a major concern with similarly styled predators (pedophiles) preying on children on the internet.  So don’t panic please, we just feel it our duty to advise you, our member, of any risks to be on the lookout for.

These people have no conscience and are prepared, indeed planning, to do you grievous harm.  They include men who have intentions of sexual assaults on unsuspecting women, and individuals, couples or groups who may wish to lure you, be you male or female, halfway around the world in order rob you, kidnap you, enslave you or worse.  Of course they are a few individuals out of millions, and your chances of encountering one of them are extremely low, perhaps lower than being struck by lightning, but if you do you should know the signs to look for and the precautions to take.

Of course their plans are detailed and well thought out, so they will always have a good story to tell.  Watch out for too good a story.  They have an agenda, so watch out for someone who doesn’t want to adapt to your needs.  They need to be in control and want to get you on their turf, so don’t let them set all the guidelines as to where your first meeting will take place, or when. If you aren’t easily controlled you make a difficult victim – it becomes easier to just pass on you and look for someone who does what they’re told.  However, we are not experts on this subject.  If you wish to know more one place you might start is a book called “Web Stalkers – Protect Yourself from Internet Criminals and Psychopaths”, written by Donald Andert & Donald K. Burleson.

Some of the tips set out below under “Scammers” and “Game Players” apply here as well, even more so.

2.  Scammers

Scammers are individuals who do not have intentions of inflicting any physical damage upon you; they just want your money.  Unfortunately these people abound on web dating sites.  At ChinaLoveMatch.net we are taking as many steps as possible to weed this type of member out.  Unfortunately, it isn’t possible to catch them all in advance and we require some evidence that a member is scamming before we can refuse them or terminate their memberships, so no doubt there are a few even on this website.  But we are confident that the percentages are much, much lower than on other such sites.  If you find someone clearly trying to scam you on ChinaLoveMatch.net, please report their activities to us.  We will shortly have a contact link specifically for such complaints, but in the meantime please report such activity to service@ChinaLoveMatch.net.  If we, on the other hand, discover a scammer and terminate their membership, we will notify all members immediately so they can discontinue contact.

Scammers are almost invariably (probably 90% of the time) registered on a dating site as a female member.  That doesn’t mean they are female, frequently the person behind the profile is a man, and just as frequently a couple, one man and one woman.  The scammer will develop your interest in her, and then start to need your assistance, financial assistance specifically.  At first, usually the amount she needs seems so small to you, coming from a wealthy first world economy, that you can’t believe it is a scam.  In your mind it just isn’t enough to bother with.  Maybe she developed a computer problem, and if she can’t get it fixed how can she continue to communicate with you?  Maybe her Mom is ill and needs some medicine?  She hates to place her problems in your lap, but she feels so close to you already, and she has nowhere else to turn. Of course you’ll send her the $50 needed to solve this problem. You love that she would ask you to help.

 

   
The tricky part is that it could easily be true, maybe her computer really did break down, maybe her Mom really is sick.  You can’t be sure and to turn her down may just cost you the most wonderful chance at happiness you’ve had in years.  It could all be true, and the scammer knows that, that’s why her/his story is so good.  But it may not be true, and there may be 19 other guys falling for the same story at the same time.  Suddenly that $50 is actually $1,000 and that’s a nice monthly income in China, and a small fortune in a place like Russia, Vietnam and most other Asian countries. 

 

And it could just be stage one of a plan to eventually invade your bank account or turn you into a monthly supporter.  We have heard form good sources of female members on some Russian sites who have 4 or more “fiancés”, each of whom is supporting her with a good monthly income.

Other scams involve simply getting you to provide your email address, which batched in with hundreds of others is a saleable commodity.  Or to have you click on a link that will ultimately allow her/him full access to your computer, your identity, your personal information and ultimately, your bank account.

Watch out for a member who too quickly wants you to go directly to personal email contact.  If in that first or second message you are already being asked to email her address from your own, ask yourself why?  You can continue to message her from our site for a long time at no additional cost.  One of your greatest protections is just to stay on the dating site for communications until you are confident she is for real.  The scammer desperately wants off site as quickly as possible, to avoid being caught and to get more personal.  Usually a scammer will tire after maintaining contact on the site for even a few messages, because she/he wants easier targets to deal with.  She/he will drop you and move onto easier fish to catch.

Of course watch out for someone who too quickly asks for money.  In the case of ChinaLoveMatch.net, we can confidently say that genuine and sincere Chinese ladies do not wish to lose face with you, and to ask a stranger for money is a loss of face. She will do almost anything to find other sources of money, friends or family, a second job, even selling something she owns, before she will lose face with you if she is genuinely interested in you for the right reasons.

3.  Game Players

Game Players are members who are not after your money, but they are after something of value – your pride, your psyche, your sense of well being.  They are probably usually male members, but that statistic is becoming less true all the time.  These are people who, for some reason, soothe their own egos by damaging yours.  It’s okay to play games if the person on the other side is also playing games, and both sides are aware of it.  But it’s quite another thing to deceive someone into trusting you just so you can deflate their pride or even break their heart.  But for some reason the game player thinks that a “loss” for you is a “win” for him/her.

The variety of games being played or goals being aimed for is endless, far too varied for us to provide a list.  In the case of male game players, probably the ultimate goal is a consensual sexual conquest.  But it might be a final giving in to a request for sexy pictures, or something more innocent, like simply having a number of women’s interest, all wanting him at the same time.  For the female game player the goal might be receipt of nice gifts, especially from several men at the same time, or maybe she finds self worth in being told she is loved and admired by as many men as possible.  The point is, don’t let your self worth suffer at the hands of these people.

As the dating site it is almost impossible for us to control this behavior.  We can’t terminate someone’s membership because another person complains of ill treatment unless that is backed up by solid evidence, and solid evidence is almost impossible to provide. Given undeniably clear evidence of improper behavior we will terminate a member’s status, but it almost always becomes one member’s word against another, and we cannot be the one to judge on that basis.  However, we do offer one excellent tool to protect you from another member’s unwanted attention, your Blacklist.  On ChinaLoveMatch.net you are entitled to place any other member you wish on your Blacklist under My Space.  Once on your Blacklist that other member is unable to contact you in any manner.

Watch out for someone who is too quick to express real love (why would someone seriously searching for a life partner jump into “love” overnight), someone who seems preoccupied while chatting with you (maybe he/she is chatting with several members at once, someone who doesn’t remember the things you’ve written in your profile or told him/her in a previous message (maybe he/she is juggling too many contacts) or someone who says something in a chat or a message that doesn’t seem to be directed at you, liking asking you about Sidney, Australia, when you live in Vancouver, Canada (maybe you’re being confused with someone else on his/her list of conquests).

Most importantly of all, when you find yourself the victim of a game player, remember that it is his/her fragile sense of self worth that brought you there, not your own.  He/she is truly the “loser”.  Don’t give up on the rest of the members of your favorite site (hopefully ChinaLoveMatch.net) because most of them are truly, sincerely and honestly searching for you.

(Next week we will bring you Web Dating Tips Part 2, which will provide detailed tips on avoiding bad actors on a Web Dating site.  A week after that Part 3 will tell you how to make it an enjoyable and ultimately successful quest to find your perfect partner.)


 



From: Original         Author: John Abbot         Time: 3/5/2010 3:22:47 PM

 
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