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Chinese Women, an Enigma Wrapped in a Conundrum by John Abbot
I have had one relationship with a Chinese woman who was not, as it turned out, a good person. In fact, I would have to describe her as “evil” if I was forced to choose only one word to sum her up.  However, my experience of Chinese women generally, and my current Chinese wife of several years, has been generally quite the opposite. I have discovered over time that she is truly a woman with an enormously good heart who always has my well being at the forefront of her thoughts and her actions, and I can say the same of other Chinese women I have come to know as friends.
 
What is more, she is reaching an age where no woman has a right to still be considered as beautiful, but she has taken such good care of herself that she looks at least 15 years younger than she is, and she can wear a bikini and have men half her age giving her the once over with much more than a “second’s glance”. She is vibrant, fun, loves to laugh and takes great joy in travel, conversation and life in general. I usually enjoy her company immensely. The only reason I can come close to competing for her attention at my late age is that she has successfully beaten me into a healthy lifestyle, as a result of which I look and feel much younger than I am. Or at least I feel much younger and she promises me I look much younger (but maybe 5 years, not 15 by any stretch, which still leaves me looking 20 years older than her).
 
This is not what it appears, it is actually a Western guy trying to figure out his Chinese woman.Yet having said that, it hasn’t been, and isn’t now, always easy.  My wife keeps me in a constant state of confusion as she waffles between that sweet, pleasant, lovely Chinese lass and and some kind of military commander who can continue a disagreement for so long that I will eventually give in out of sheer exhaustion.  The picture to the right is not to be mistaken for a small child with a fly on his nose, this is simply the look of a Western male trying to adjust to his Chinese wife or girlfriend.

I can’t generalize and say that her shortcomings are common to all Chinese women, because I’ve only known several well enough to say these things are true about them. Those several include the two I have had long term relationships with, and the wives and girlfriends of some of my close friends, three of which friends are expats and 2 of whom are Chinese. So I will only generalize to the point of saying that of all 7 of the Chinese women I have known well enough to say these things are true of, these things are true of all 7 of them.   
 
You, dear reader, can determine for yourself if these characteristics apply to your Chinese female friends, lovers and acquaintances or not.  I will refer to my 7 examples that I rely upon as “Chinese women” just the same. 
 
1.  Chinese women “know everything”.  Regardless of the subject matter, they will speak on the subject as if their knowledge is in depth and based upon broad experience and education. For example, a Chinese woman born and raised on a farm outside a very small village, who has lived in the city for a short time and met her first foreign male only a few months ago, will quickly and happily start advising a western bar owner who already has two successful pubs designed for expats, exactly what he must do to succeed with the third one he's about to open. It matters not that she has never actually been in a western pub,amd has never been involved in any business of any kind.
 
2.  Chinese women are always “right” and never “wrong”.  Both the Chinese women I have had close relationships wirh have reminded me endlessly of every occasion when they were right and I was wrong. My experience in life in general is that this is usually about a 50/50 thing between any two people and that over time they will generally be right and wrong about 50% of the time each. However, not so with Chinese women. This comes about because the things they are right about are never forgotten, and the discussions in which they were wrong never seem to have taken place at all.

3. For Chinese women the man is always the boss. This is true, so long as your definition of being the boss is to never make any decision that might not be met with favour by your Chinese woman.  So long as you make the decision she wants you to make, you shall remain the “boss”. But make a decision that she does not like, and you will instantly suffer such nattering, such nagging, and such outright animosity, that you will quickly change your mind and decide that your decision was not correct after all. Then having wisely corrected your position you will quickly revert to “boss” and she will revert to that pleasant person who adores you so much.
 
4. Chinese women will always do what is best for you.  This is very true, so long as you are prepared to accept that whatever they think is best for you is best for you, and whatever you think is best for you is at best a mistaken belief and at worst a near criminal connivance. For example, I used to think that what was best for me was to go join the guys in the pub for a few beers, or to enjoy a day doing nothing but watching some sports or a couple of movies, but it turns out that those activities are not good for me at all. It turns out that engaging in those activities or even the mere mention of them will result in such nattering, nagging and outright animosity that the pain is such you will choose to poke needles in your eyes rather than ever consider participating or even mentioning such activities again. 
 
Thus you will regain your “boss” status and she will have once again been proven to know everything and be absolutely right about what is best for you (whether you think so or not). And somehow it all works out and she is, in spite of the above, the one you will never leave and cannot live without. That is the case with my wife, in any event, and I am at a loss to say why. Hence my reference to an enigma within a conundrum.
 
I welcome your thoughts below.


From: Original         Author: John Abbot         Time: 5/27/2012 4:36:12 PM

 
Comments
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#2012-05-27 22:26:00 by yishujia @yishujia
Reply One thing is true. Personalities are the same in all cultures. My guess is that you consistently attract the same personalities in your relationship. Your description could be women in any culture not just Chinese. My Chinese gf does not consider me boss, however, she often says "you do what you want to do" when she disagrees. Pragmatic, but not uniquely Chinese.
#2012-05-27 23:08:00 by doctorj @doctorj
Reply haha, since i have met your wife i can agree she appears to be no more than around 35, and yes john, there appears to be a bit of tiger wife in every lady from the central kingdom including mine. so now we must wait for the final three points in installment two?
#2012-05-28 00:10:00 by evahuihan @evahuihan
Reply there is a chinese saying .its the woman always behind a successul man.or a successful man always have a women behind to support . man sometime just like a child easily get confused and seduced to a wrong way (though may be wiser in the main big direction than woman) so they need compass in their life thats a coolhead wife.
No women no men.and thats why we say Lady first.dont think women an enigma just appreciate her and accept the true theory.i m not feminist here and i dont have my own family yet but i can feel around thats wht a typical happy on going chinese family like.the above references should be followed if u want a chinese wife or gf.
#2012-05-28 01:02:00 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot
Reply Yishujia - looking back at my past relationships, and I can count 7 that lasted for 3 years or more, I have to say that the 5 non-Chinese were not remotely the same as the current Chinese wife. The other Chinese woman was closer to the same by far, but certainly not identical. Of course it proves nothing since the test group is so small, but while my Chinese wife is a tougher nut than were my Western mates, underneath that hard shell is a softer inside, and undoubtedly a greater concern for my long term well being. I see a similar difference between the other Chinese women I've come to know and the Western. They are in it for the long haul if you let them be, come what may. I will stand by that point.

Doctorj - I'm not sure why you feel there are 3 more points coming, but if time permits I'll see if I can oblige :-)

Evahuihan - I believe you've said what I was saying, but in a much different way. There's no question that I am a healthier, more sensible male because of my coolheaded, pragmatic wife.
#2012-05-28 01:19:00 by franky777 @franky777
Reply I think its best to look at a woman as a moderator !
and if you accept this then you are in love :)
#2012-05-28 17:37:00 by Anonymous139044 @Anonymous139044
Honestly, reading that is enough to put me off Chinese women completely. There a plenty of other Asian cultures to choose from(if your successful) where the women are just as beautiful and not such self important bitches.

#2012-09-11 17:37:00 by Anonymous163726 @Anonymous163726
"Nature has made a pebble and a female. The lapidary makes the diamond, and the lover makes the woman." Though I agree with whatever you mentioned about the Chinese women in your '7' examples, still the passion & love you showed towards your wife was really touchy. Kudos on that!! Arnold Bennett once said "Women are strange and incomprehensible, a device invented by Providence to keep the wit of man well sharpened by constant employment". - I see a complete example of it here.

#2012-09-11 17:48:00 by Anonymous163726 @Anonymous163726
Couldn’t agree more with you John! My wife is Chinese herself, from Shanghai; we met in college and have been married for over 15 years. While reading through your blog, when I hit point 3 I could not help but laugh, funny but true…agree with a Chinese woman are you are her knight in shining armor, tick her off slightly and before you know it, you have been hit by a tornado of complaints and arguments. Not that I am complaining, she is in fact, the cornerstone of the family and the reason why this marriage has lasted for all these years
#2012-09-11 17:48:00 by nitinG @nitinG
Reply In complete consensus with you although I would not restrict this description only to the Chinese women, in fact it is the Asian women that you should be talking about. Typically from a patriarchal family where the husband is the head of the family, if is in fact left to the woman to run the household. Thus in her own petite manner she develops a system of not only getting her way around for the good of the family but also keep the ego of the male intact. But yes never forget, no matter which nationality a woman may belong to, she is ‘always right’ and ‘knows everything’
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