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Find Your Chinese Love by Having a Long Term Plan (Part 2) by John Abbot
If you have not seen part 1 of this series you can find it on my blog here...

Once you’ve loaded up that great profile and have figured out the features of the website, including the chat and messaging features, instant translation, listing favourites, checking IP addresses, etc, you’ll probably find yourself very busy communicating with a number of really pretty Chinese women. Probably a LARGE NUMBER of really attractive Chinese women. When you first realize that more than one, maybe 10, maybe 20 and over time maybe a 100 of these attractive women of China really wish to meet you, especially after so much time spent trying to just attract the attention of ANY woman back home, you can get a little excited.
 
At first your behavior may change in small ways:
 
1. You may find yourself rushing home from work to get back to your new “friends”.
 
2. Depending on where you are in the world, you may find yourself getting up at odd times of the night or morning because that’s when the Chinese women are most often online.
 
3. Or arriving late to work because that wonderful new Sino gal just didn’t want to let you go.
 
4. You may begin to feel like a “beggar at a banquet” as your favourites page, your messages page and your chat list all begin to fill to almost overwhelming volume.
 
5. You may start developing a headache from having too many choices.
 
So may beautiful Chinese women, how will you ever choose which one to make your own.These are all changes you probably never contemplated during your social life with Western women. So now, believe it or not, having gone from rags in your home country to riches online in China, your job is not to try to land the only fish to bite on your hook. Rather, your job now is to try to sort out which ones to toss back out of the many fish who have jumped into your boat.
 
In addition certain problems will arise that you likely have never experienced before either, and in this part of the plan – weeding out the bad matches and narrowing down the good ones to the great ones – you need to be cognizant of how to deal with those problems.
 
First, take some time and write out what you are looking for in a Chinese lifemate.  Write down all the things that are essential. Then list those things that are important but no one of them alone is a “deal breaker”.  Keep the two lists in your mind as you start meeting many interested women, and narrow the ones out who have issues on the first list instantly. Just politely but firmly let them move on.
 
Then start weeding out the ones that are guilty of two or more of the items on your second list. Be honest with yourself, even though she may seem so attractive today, if she smokes and you find smoking difficult to accept, how attractive will she be in 8 years when she’s still smoking and starting to hack and cough while cooking your dinner. Two such flaws will be unbearable down the road when the passion of spring has turned into the cool of autumn.
 
Now, about those problems:
 
1. Several Chinese women will be calling you “baby”, “my love” and other words of endearment (that your Ex-wife might have gotten around to calling you on your 10th anniversary) in their second message and “husband” in their fourth message. These are probably Chinese women who are a little over-anxious to go from single to married and intend to pressure you into feeling the same way. You need to understand that unlike Western women who are liberated from the social pressure to “be married” Chinese women are still under considerable pressure from both society and family to start a family and that starts with a husband.
 
The other thing this could be a sign of is that she is not a Chinese woman at all but a 300 pound male (or a 300 pound female) from God knows where posing as a sweet little Chinese woman and over anxious to spring his coming scam on you. Good scammers will take their time in setting you up but the vast majority aren’t remotely that smart.
 
Either way, even if you are one of the Western men who is also feeling incredible inner pressure to be married almost instantly, do not commit to anything until you’ve had a video/audio chat to confirm she is the Chinese lady in her photos and is not so many years older than when the photo was taken that she could now be her own mother. Then if she passes the test and you are also anxious to do so, dive in and commit to marrying someone you’ve never actually met, but expect a lot of bumps along the way.
 
On the other hand, if you are looking to really spend your time getting to know your potential lifemate before deciding if she even qualifies for that title, then likely you should gently and politely let the anxious bride (or the 300 pound gorilla) know you don’t feel you match well and move on to less pushy types.
 
(Those of you who have now dived in and are marrying a pushy, desperate women next week on the day you arrive in China need not read on – your planning days are over.)
 
2. You will find yourself under pressure to chat with three women at a time on occasion and the result, if you try to pull it off, will be finding yourself on the blacklist of three very angry and jealous Chinese ladies.  Do not bother trying to fake you are chatting just with her when you are actually trying to keep several chats going. Chinese women have several millennia of being screwed around behind them, and in addition they’re actually about 10 times smarter than we are, and you will not get away with it. If you’re like me within 30 seconds of trying you’ll be writing the message for “coco” into “yiyi’s” chat window and 5 seconds later the jig will be up. And you will have lost both coco and yiyi.
 
Instead just use the situation as a test for all 3 and let them all know you’re very sorry but you were already chatting with someone else (or you had a “date” to chat with someone else) but you’ll get back to them at the next opportunity. The one’s who are gracious and excuse you, welcoming you to contact them another time, are the ones you’re more likely to enjoy the company of and the ones who are huffy and rude are the ones who would no doubt be difficult about hundreds of other things in life.
 
So by being open and honest you’ve actually weeded out some of the bad matches and started narrowing down your list.
 
3. You will find yourself struggling with how to “date” a bunch of women at one time without feeling terribly guilty about leading them each on. There’s only one solution to this problem – don’t lead them on.  Don’t confuse “online dating” with real “dating”, and don’t let them confuse it either. You aren’t secretly taking 4 different women to bed and lying to them all about it. You aren’t actually having any physical acts of intimacy that would lead them (or you) to believe that you love them.
 
So just be honest and open up front and tell them all along that you think marrying (or committing to) one Chinese woman (or any woman) is a huge step in life and for both her sake and yours you want to be sure to make the right choice. You want this relationship to be the one that lasts for eternity. Tell them that you intend to get to know several China ladies on CLM and take your time finding the one who is perfect for you and who you are perfect for in return. And tell her she is free to do the same. You might add that you think she is wonderful and you hope that over time you are able to choose each other.
 
If you are this honest, then you’re just running another test that they can either pass or fail. The women who do not understand or accept this proposition are not likely to make great mates and be able get through the many cultural bumps that are inevitably going to face you both, so they have failed the test. Remove them from your list.
 
4. You will find that there are at least several (maybe more than several) really wonderful China women who you just can’t make yourself remove from your list of possible matches. There are still 3, 4 or maybe even 5 great catches still on your list. Any one of them is someone you feel you could really enjoy spending your life with. You’ve hit a roadblock! What to do – what to do?
 
It’s simple really, pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for a job well done.
 
But just before you start actually planning the details of your trip to China, maybe you should read part 3 of this series here...


From: Original         Author: John Abbot         Time: 12/2/2012 11:30:22 AM

 
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#2013-10-21 14:42:00 by Barry1 @Barry1
Reply "....just use the situation as a test for all 3 and let them all know you’re very sorry but you were already chatting with someone else..... but you’ll get back to them at the next opportunity. The one’s who are gracious and excuse you, welcoming you to contact them another time, are the ones you’re more likely to enjoy the company of and the ones who are huffy and rude are the ones who would no doubt be difficult about hundreds of other things in life."

What great advice this is, John. In fact, your whole article was spot on the money, thank you.

Given the opportunity, I'd make this particular blog series compulsory reading for all new CLM clients. Unfortunately though, I feel the big majority of CLM members never bother to visit the blogs or the forums. Just look at the fact that to date, not a single comment had been posted on this great piece that you wrote - and it was originally posted here eighteen months ago!

Most men (and probably ladies too) seem to be in a big rush to check out their mailbox and then go to the profile search areas. Not that I can blame them, I think it's just ignorance of the wonderful resources available in the blog/forum/magazine areas that's causing this. These contain a huge amount of advice and tips from many folks who've trodden this tricky path a long time before them, so it's a shame to witness the lack of utilisation of the area.
#2014-04-17 13:29:00 by Barry1 @Barry1
Reply @johnabbot

A great blog series this is, John. I'm still amazed I'm the only person who's commented on it here.

"So just be honest and open up front and tell them all along that you think marrying (or committing to) one Chinese woman (or any woman) is a huge step in life and for both her sake and yours you want to be sure to make the right choice."

Well, I just followed this advice of yours, but the Chinese lady is not happy. I had just explained to her that she would be number two on my short list of ladies to see.

She said that whilst there was no problem in chatting online to more than one person, in her view, if the man comes to China, it must be solely to visit HER, otherwise she'll refuse to meet him.

These are her exact words:

"if you come to china for meet me and other - i will not meet you"

Yet in all other respects. she's a high class person. It would be a shame to dump her, based on this one point.

I know what my friend @paulfox1 would say,

"No problem, mate - go to China and simply don't tell her you're meeting someone else!"

Yet I don't feel comfortable telling a lie like this. It's a bad way to start a potential relationship. I adhere to the "start off how you mean to continue" doctrine.

Life wasn't meant to always be easy, was it?


#2014-08-01 08:04:00 by gacowchaser @gacowchaser
Reply thank you for some very good advice
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