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I Must Ask My Parents If It's OK by stevenstattooz

Recently a member, stevenstattooz (username) submitted an article that we thought had a lot of merit. It deals with a very real issue that can suddenly impose itself on your new love with a Chinese woman you've been dating and bite you hard on the ass. This is the sudden and unexpected (by you) need for the permission of parents who do not approve of marriage to a foreigner and are commanding your prospective bride to get rid of you and find a Chinese husband. It doesn't happen all that frequently anymore, but it does happen, and when it does the devastating result is often that the Chinese woman you love, and that you know loves you, dumps you out of respect for her parents. 

Here is Steven's Article:


Dumped by her parents?I've been living in China for 3 years now, I've been in a few relationships that have made me wonder about the thinking here regarding the parents permission. These are grown women!, yet still need to get the ok from mom and dad regardless of the circumstances.

My first relationship was from here on CLM, we chatted for a year, then I flew to beijing for a face to face meeting, She had told me that I could stay with her for the week I was going to be there,
Everything went great, We had sex and a great time all around.

I went back to Florida and we kept the relationship going while I saved money to return. It took 1 year to get enough money to get started here in Beijing. I got many jobs teaching English at different locations, so life was good. We were living in an apartment owned by her mother.

After a few weeks it was a chinese festival time, I asked if we were going to her family's place for dinner?

Shocked, she turned to me and said, "My parents don't know you're here."

WHAT !!!! I couldn't believe it. 

She said she would ask them if it was ok for us to be together. Now! Don't get me wrong, but I would have told me this before I came here, and waited for an answer. 

The next day I gave her a lift to her mothers on my scooter to pick something up, I waited downstairs since they don't know i'm here. Five minutes later i see her and her mother coming out of the building in my rearview mirror. I got a little nervous but their faces seemed ok. She introduced me as her friend, all the while mom was eyeing me up and down. It went ok but on the way home my girlfriend was very nervous and I told her, "You're 46 years old, not a little girl anymore". She said, "this is chinese culture, we must ask our parents everything".

They invited me to dinner and I was accepted immediatly. Unfortunately our relationship only lasted 8 months. You don't really know someone until you live with them, but the good part is we are still close friends and talk often.

Now for the ultimate Heartbreak in reference to my article.

I met a lovely 38 year old woman online. We chatted often and I told her I'll be coming to Nanning to teach. On our first date she brought along a friend, which was ok, and they refused to let me pay for dinner. We had a nice chat.

Later on in the relationship she told me she felt I was very handsome then and she was not pretty enough for me. We called each other a few times buy she works 7 days a week from 8am to 7pm, not a lot of free time.

2nd date, she brings a different friend with her (frustrating).

Same scenario, They take me for dinner, Still no kiss goodnight, no physical contact. 3rd date, I call her and she says "Oh! You didn't forget me." I said, "How could I? You're a very sweet and attractive woman".

So I asked her out for dinner. First I make it clear that I want it to be just the two of us, she's puzzeled, but agrees. We went to a local outdoor food street, after walking down the street for a few minutes, she takes my hand and gives me the sideways smile. OK !! This is good. During dinner she looks at me repeatedly with a warm smile, then leans across the table and puts a soft kiss on my lips. Walking hand in hand I feel the chemistry growing. She takes me to an entertainment night club to see a few acts, Out of the corner of my eye I see her keep looking at me, when I look she pretends not to. Then I catch her looking and I turn quickly and lean towards her and we kiss passionatly. I don't care where we are, neither does she.

We go back to my place and fool around a little and she tells me no marry, no sex. I said ok, lets see where this goes. She told me she had been married to her first boyfriend and had never been with another man. I was feeling real good about her and the feeling was mutual.

Now, after about an hour of fooling around she orally satisfies me like never in my life, very unusual for a Chinese woman. This happens everytime we see each other 2 to 3 times a week. But no intercourse (explain that to me).  After 3 months we are madly in love and everything seems great.  She wants to marry me and is so happy. THEN !!!

"I will go to my parents and tell them about you and ask their permission for us to be together."

Whoa !!!! Ask them? "We are already together and you're 38 years old."  She says she must and I ask her "If they say no, then what?" She replies with, "I don't care, I love you and want to be with you."

Great! now i'm relaxed. She goes home for 5 days and I talk to her everyday on the phone. No words about the situation. She comes home and says her father said no!  She is not happy, but says she doesn't care because she loves me so much.

Now, we are seeing each other almost every day. These are the best feelings I've ever had, truly in love. Then we are at her house and she looks into my eyes and says I love you and I love that you love me and my son(14). I do love him.

Next day we go to my house and playing around as usual and we get very excited and all of a sudden, INTERCOURSE!!!!

Honestly, the best sex I've ever had, I think she felt the same as she pulled her fingernails out of my bleeding back.

She turns over and says that was great, starts crying and says she wants to go home? We talked for an hour and all she said was she was a bad woman because she disobeyed her father. Also the fact that he had told her since she was a teenager -  "No marry, No sex." I could not reason with her and she left.

Next day she texts me and said she wants to stop! I tried to reason with her and went to see her, to no avail. I am devastated and heartbroken beyond imagination. She finally told me that she wanted to be close to her family and since her father said no, she was afaid they would get sick or die because we got married and she could never be close to them.

Mind you, the father has never met or talked to me, only saw a picture which was a good one. (ha ha)

Now I'm e-mailing her and trying to reason with her, but she wrote yesterday - "Please forget me! I'm a bad woman."

Unbelievable! But true!


As we say, what happened can happen occassionally, but it doesn't have to happen to you.  Make sure the Chinese woman you love is independant of her parents controlling ways, and capable ot taking the next step without their final approval. And ask her the right questions so you'll know when there's a chance you may not be the one her parents see as their new son-in-law even though she see's you as her one true love. Be prepared to deal with this issue sooner or later, but hope you never have to. 

From: Original         Author: stevenstattooz         Time: 1/20/2013 5:04:39 PM

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#2013-02-09 16:42:00 by apothecary @apothecary
Reply @stevenstattooz This is not the first story about filial devotion versus the lao wai. Happened to me , which left me devastated. Similar tale. Relationship lasted 18 months, we were living together on and off, moving towards getting married and then.... she tells them about me and mother , father and family all go ape shit over age and foreigner status. Result. She stays home and suffers . I call it ignorance, fear, prejudice and brainwashing by parents. Some others call it face , shame and piety. It seems that in the west parents support childrens choices, in china they make them. So the advice about getting independance of thought straight is worthwhile.
#2013-02-11 22:11:00 by stevenstattooz @stevenstattooz
Reply @apothecary Hi there
Well it just happened again!!!!!!! I just can't believe this, We were heading down that lovely path, Everything was great and then Bam!!!!!!!!!!!! my family doesn't agree
Your comment is right on the money
This one the parents also never met me!!
I'm getting kinda sick over this crap
The first question I ask now is if they have to ask or do they make their own choice
Good luck, Take care
#2013-03-29 13:11:00 by mary0624 @mary0624
Reply wow, i can not believe this.
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